Sleep won. This last weekend was pretty hectic. By the time I got home and finished schoolwork, I was wiped out. I have not been sticking with it like I should. I have gotten wrapped up in the last week that I put myself, and goals on the back burner. It frustrates me. I hate that I do that. Logically, I know that I deserve to do this... not only for my self esteem/worth but for my health.
This is the hardest part of this process for me. I get so angry with myself if I am not spot on. Any time something happens that gets me off track a little I just give up. I get discouraged and down on myself and I want to run away from it. I have done that my whole life with everything. I am a runner.
When I think I have gotten to the point where i can just see my life as mine, and not compare it to others, I revert back. I wonder what it is going to take for me to be happy with where I am. It is exhausting constantly feeling like I am not good enough, or anywhere near where I should be with my life. I don't have a degree, nor am I close. I am not dating anyone, nor anywhere close. Although I am grateful for the job I have, it is not what I want for my life.
I feel like I am a terrible person when i hear about other people succeeding, or about engagements, or promotions, or being done with school... basically the thing I wish for and want in my life now, and I scowl inside. I instantly go to comparing my live/me to their life/them. I evaluate and over analyze why I don't deserve those things right now, or why they are more deserving of me. I hate them a little. Everytime. A part of me is genuinely happy for them. A bigger part of me in painfully jealous.
I know i have a good life, I am not blind to that. I am immensely blessed and cared for. I know that. My family is amazing, better than most I have met. I have really great friends. I have 3 great dogs, even though they are more that I can tackle at times, they make me happy/laugh. They cheer me up and keep me company when I am low. They are a great source of entertainment.
I worry that right now some of you are thinking "Wow, she is complaining about her life again, and how it's not what she wants. Shocker. That is all she ever does." I don't know at what point I became afraid to voice my real feelings without fear of ridicule of judgement. When did the opinions of others become more important than my own?
I am discouraged. I don't know that I can do this... and it's only been a month. The emotional part of this is the worst. I don't know that it is easier or harder for anyone else, but right now it feels impossible. I have become fixated on struggle of it instead of the end result and the successes along the way.
... i hate the holidays... March can not come soon enough.
Clark, I like reading your posts when you are totally honest like this. Not that I like that you are sad but it makes me feel real for feeling the way I do at times. I do not think that you complain about you life too much. You are a postive person. Don't worry about saying what you are really feeling. It helps to get it out and it also helps other people. I am not sure if I am making much sense but I just want you to know that I am proud of you. I am proud that you have taken this step and done what you have. I know how hard it is. Tomorrow is another day. Try not to beat yourself up. You can do this. You really can!
ReplyDeleteYou can do this! The first part is always the hardest, stick with it, everyone has hard days. You have good days too, look back and read them, it might help. Tomorrow is always a new day. Go Marie, Go, Go, Go!
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