Day 8

I don't really have much to say today. I am going to struggle through the holidays, i think. It is much harder to not eat food when it is right in front of you, and all around you all day. There was a lot of candy, and other assorted treats at work today and I indulged more than I should have. I am a little disappointed, but am trying to look at it as a learning opportunity. I know that if there are treats around me, I am going to eat them. New plan of action needed. I am not sure yet, what is a realistic option, but I am going to have that as my project this weekend. I will have plenty of opportunities.
I know all the things that i have been told int he past, and what advice would quickly be dished out to me, but I really want this to be my project, my plan, my experience. I want to keep this about me, and doing this for me and not because I don't want to disappoint someone, or try to get someone to like me, or even.... gasp.... fall in love with me. If it is not about me, and done in the way that works specific to my life then it will not last, and I will not succeed.
Every other attempt i have made has been because i wanted the approval of someone else. i wanted to feel like they accepted and loved me and somewhere along the lines I associate that with my weight and appearance. I do think that I am pretty, I don't worry about that, but I feel that society views beautiful and fat in opposition. As much as I wish I was that girl that was "Whatevah, I love my curves, I'll all woman"... I am not. I know I am beautiful, I know the other attributes and qualities I have that make me the person that I am. What I don't trust is that others will see those things in me, I feel/fear that they do not see past my obesity. I want to get to the point that when I am out in public, whether on a date, hanging out with friends/by myself, shopping... whatever, that I do not worry if a car has to stop for me that they are thinking "I wish this fat chick would just hurry up". I don't want guys that I spend time with to be embarrassed to be seen with me, or have their friends make comments that they could do better. I want to go shopping in the not fat section. I will get there. My biggest hurdle is patience. It's a work in progress.